Safari hot

It's Iowa. In summer. For those that live in Iowa, you know of what I speak. Those of you in Arizona or Texas, where you have a "dry" heat, you don't know what hot is. But this is the weather you dream about in mid-January if you live in the snowbelt.

Iowa is the queen of humidity. MN is a close second, but I think Iowa reigns supreme.

It has been 90 degrees on the temperature gauge and 90 percent humidity on the wetness gauge. I have my own humidity index. When it gets overly humid, my natural wavy hair gets O U T T A C O N T R O L. I'm talking about a white woman's afro, sister. Forget the comb, find the hot blue hair pick you bought in 1972. Thankfully you are a pack rat and never throw anything "useful" away.

Sporting a pair of jersey short/shorts and a tshirt I would never wear in public, I am ready to tackle today and the heat.

My job today is to print magnets for a local art store. I turn on the printer and the press. The press is a huge heat press that I have to heat openly to 200 degrees. The press makes a lot of clinking noises as it heats up. It sounds like my late father when he used to make a sucking noise with the side of his mouth. Loud, obnoxious, and for no purpose.

I print out the magnet images and ready to press to the metal magnets. I step in the room with the heat press and realize that the press is sucking all the cool air out of the room and this room is literally smokin' hot!! I could feel my bangs begin to curl. I pressed the magnets and they turned out remarkable! Turn off the heat press and close the room door hoping the heat will stay confined in that one room.

Time to run some errands, so I hop in my jo-mobile aka Toyta and head for Borders. The third in the series of Lizabeth Salander books is out and I am so hooked on this series that I must have the last novel hot off the shelf. I have the windows down and the wind is moving through the car yet it is IOWA SAFARI HOT so I turn on the a.c. Yes, with the windows down. My husband would kill me. But I'm hot and it's just a short trip to the mall.

I get into Borders and realize that I am still dressed in my Daisy Dukes and wife beater shirt. Swell. And now my whole head of hair is curled and wind blown. A complete and utter fashionista, am I.

And I can't find the book I want. I am slithering through the book racks making sure I don't see anybody I know yet trying to find my book, my treasure, my prize.

Honestly, where the hell is this book??? I know it's out as I had the release date circled on my internal calendar.

Ever notice on hot HOT days, the mall is packed? The summer heat gets Iowa sofa sitters to the mall where they sit in the mall sofas basking in the cool air conditioning.

I walk literally every aisle in Borders and still cannot find my book. It is time. I must ask for help. Gulp.

There is the cute skinny girl who must be on college summer break wandering around asking people if they need help. I don't need help from HER. Another employee is a overweight man that is sweating profusely just by walking. Don't need help from HIM either. There. I see her. The elderly woman that reeks LIBRARIAN. I practically mow her down.

"I need help."

"What can I do for you?"

"I am trying to find the new book out on Lizabeth Salander."

"Oh, that's up in the front of the store."

Oh gawd. In the FRONT of the store? Where everyone congregates and chats with other mall shoppers? That in the front of the store?

"Follow me."

I try to glue myself to her behind. She's a little hunched over and moves like a turtle. It had to have taken 10 minutes to walk 50 feet. I follow her closely and keep my gaze down. Must not make eye contact. I am invisible.

"Here is the display of the book you want."

"Thank you..." Now go away.

She instead stands there and proceeds to hold out a book to me and tells me how she too has read all the previous books in the series and blah blah blah. Is her voice getting louder as she gets excited about telling me about the series?? No need to sell me, lady, I am already sold.

People actually start to gather round her.

GIVE ME THE FRICKING BOOK!!

I smile and grab the book out of her hand and return to my aisle hopping to get to the check out. I look at the line at the register and it's 10 deep. Where did these people come from? Go home readers.

Mustering up the courage I stand in line with my short shorts and clinging tshirt with my bra straps showing to buy the book.

This book had better be worth it. I am engulfed in staring at the book in my hand. Make no eye contact.

The check out guy is a yakker. Proceeds to ask me about other books he is promoting. "Have you read......" YES, I HAVE READ EVERY STINKING BOOK AT BORDERS. Just check me out...

Finally got my 40% discount and off I slither to my jo-mobile. Still have the air on with the windows wide open.

Get home and become a sofa sitter. The overhead fan is whirling and ready for take off and the box fan of 20 years is humming.

Yup, it's hot in Iowa. But I have a diet coke in hand and ready to start reading.

Ever notice it's not as hot if you sit perfectly still.

Maybe tomorrow I'll turn on the house a.c. ;-)

Tight Squeeze

A friend told me about women's body suits. They are a girdle for your body.

I tried on my mother of the bride dress the other day and it was not pretty. I could zip up the back but it was snug. As a squished bug. One Macarena dance and the dress may split due to the flab pressure.

The word "diet" isn't in my dictionary. Diets are for fat people. I am just a little plump. I blame age. Actually I blame alot of things on age.

Today I had a free afternoon. Why not try on some of these miracle wonder body suits. Off to Younkers I go. I used to think that Younkers was where gray hairs went to shop. Yet here I am amongst them. I tell myself to think young.

I grabbed a beige color full body suit. Need strapless so that was more of a challenge. $52. Fifty Two dollars to make me appear two sizes smaller. Bargain.

This contraption was unbelievably hard to put on. It had a snap crotch like the old body suits of the 60's. I didn't know whether to step into the suit or put it on over my head. Over the head won. The suit is now stuck all bunched up at my neck. But I am determined to get this thing ON. I started pulling the spandex. Got it half ways over my boobs and I lost the lower part of the suit. Where is the crotch snap? I have no clue.

I tug and tug and now the suit is bunched at my waist. I see the cups for the boobs, and pull that up. I'm starting to sweat which does not help with the easy on fit.

You have GOT to be kidding!! It's twisted. I am now getting annoyed. $52 isn't worth all this aggrevation!

Finally got the cups where they were suppose to be but the crotch snaps are caught in the back of the suit. I don't even know how that is possible.

I have GOT TO GET OUT OF THIS THING ... NOW. I'm starting to get a hot flash!

I bend over and try to pull it back over my head. Not happening. Not even moving.

Off go the cups and I have to give it all that I had to pull the cups back to the waist. There it sits.

I stare at the full length mirror with a body suit wrapped around my waist. How am I going to get this OFF?

Thought about getting the salesperson but how? Scream from the dressing room? HELP! I'M BUCK NAKED AND I AM STUCK IN A TOO SMALL BODY SUIT. I don't think so.

Only one option left. Pull the damn suit DOWN over my hips. I don't care if I have to rip the suit to get it down, but this thing is COMING off....NOW.

Suck it in. Pull. Squirm. Pull. Wiggle. Pull. More squirming, more wiggling.

Over the butt, down the upper thighs. Finally the "thing" is around my ankles. It is dead. It tried to devour me, but I fought the battle and conquered the suit.

So much for the body suit idea.

I left the corpse of the body suit in the dressing room and went searching for a different "style."

Found an old fashioned corset. Hey! This might just do the trick.

Back to a different dressing room and off goes my shirt and bra. The back of the corset has about 25 hook and eyes so naturally I have to hook them all in front and then spin the corset around to fit.

I got about 10 hooks done and began to wonder how this is going to spin around? The tag on the corset says "Stays snuggly in place."

Well that's all fine and dandy, but how do you get it on facing the right way? Now I know why Scarlet had Mammie tie her corset. This is a two person job.

I continued hooking the eyes and pulled the corset to spin it to the front. Ain't happening. It is snuggly in place. I look in the full length mirror and I look like the hunch back of Notre Dame as the cups are on my upper back.

Off it goes. On the floor. Dead.

One more time I search the racks and I find a body suit that looks like a track running suit. With little shorts instead of a snapped crotch. GREAT! I can actually step into this and pull it up!

Into dressing room #3. Off go the clothes and I step into this black track outfit. And I pull. The top is moving up but the shorts are still at my ankles. The crotch is at my knees. And the cups are 12 inches shorter than where they should be.

I pull and I twist and I wiggle once again. Got the thing on and I am STUFFED like a Thanksgiving turkey. I can't even move. Everything is tucked in nicely but I cannot sit, I cannot walk. I am an immobile bulging bunch of spandex.

I'm done. That's enough of that. I don't know who these body suits were made for, but it's not me. I struggle to climb out of the track suit and leave another undergarment corpse behind.

Solution: Wear the dress and let the fat rolls be natural but do not dance the Macarena.

Home Remedies

I dyed my hair. And instead of it coming out "light golden brown" it came out "DARK AS MOLASSES."

Standing in front of the aisle of hair color in the store, I chose my color carefully. I studied all the boxes practically one by one. Many boxes bragged on "no brassy tones." Some even said 100% gray coverage. But I always look at the girls on the front of the boxes. Which one of these girls has the color I want. Should be that simple.

"Light golden brown...100% gray coverage.... nice and easy." That's for me!

Who has time for hair testing like the box recommends? Get on the gloves, prepare the mixture, slop on hair. Wait.

Hop in the shower, rinse. Towel dry and WALA. Magically appear Light Golden Brown.

Nope. I have Hot Fudge Chocolate. On my head.

So what does one do? Go to the internet where all questions have answers. I type in "How to lighten hair dyed too dark."

And there are the answers!

#1. Wash hair with Dawn dishwashing liquid. Can you believe that I actually HAVE Dawn under my sink? Back in the shower and I'm lathering with Dawn. I should have brought in a few dirty glasses and I could have been multi-tasking. I lather in the Dawn and leave it in a little longer thinking this would lighten my hair even more.
Out of the shower, towel off and WALA. Hot Fudge Chocolate.

#2. Make a paste with Olive Oil and Mayonnaise. Just use a few drops of Mayonnaise and leave on 20 minutes. First off, does Mayonnaise come in drop form? Or do I drop it like dropping cookie dough on the cookie tray? But I have both of these ingredients in my pantry. Make a paste. First attempt I used too much oil and the mayonnaise didn't gel with the oil. Toss. Second attempt, used less oil and a "drop" or two of Hellmann's. Back in the shower and slop on the paste. Towel off and let the paste do it's magic. Shouldn't I see the color lifting? Maybe it will come off when I wash this gook outta my hair. Patiently wait 20 minutes, BACK in the shower and wash off. Towel off (I am now on my third towel) and WALA. Hot Fudge Chocolate.

#3. Use Lemon Juice. But I also read this should be used on blonde hair and if you have brunette hair, it MIGHT turn your hair orange. Orange with hot fudge? Visions of orange tootsie pop jumped in my brain. I don't think so. Plus I remember doing this when I was in high school when it was fashionable to sit in the sun and let the lemon juice highlight your hair naturally. It didn't work then either.

#4. Tide detergent. Yup, wash your hair with Tide. Reminds me of my dad's joke... why do people wash their clothes intide? Cause it's too cold outtide. But I don't have Tide detergent. Tide isn't good for septic tanks. I don't think it would be too good for my hair.

So there you have it. I have Hot Fudge Chocolate Hair that smells like Dawn with a touch of mayonnaise. And I can't remember the last time I took 4 showers in one afternoon.

Plus side tho is the rest of my body has a clean soft feeling from the Olive Oil. Hair's a little damaged tho...