Assume the position!

So my husband and I decided to get out of town and we're leaving Friday for Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. Bring on the margaritas baby!!

My husband turns red as a lobster in the sun within the first 20 seconds of a hot blazing sun. Which means I have to spend the rest of the vacation rubbing in blue ICEY on his back and chest. But this year, he has decided to tan before the trip by the use of a tanning bed.

There was a 2 for 1 sale at the local tanning bed salon. My caring hubby signed me up for tanning too. Personally, being the dark skinned German that I am, I usually tan pretty quickly without any sunburn. But since I have free minutes at a tanning salon, why not give it a try?

My husband also bought BRONZE tanning oil. Supposedly it is to quicken the tanning process and make you look like a bronzed goddess. Sounds good to me.

I went to the salon for my first session. I say my last name and the clerk says, "Are you Jolene?" Ok, sure. Jolene works. Apparently my husband slurred when he said my name when he signed us up.

The clerk says, "I'll put you in bed #3. Here is your bronzing cream."

I am pysched. I want to be a golden tan goddess. The clerk asks me how long I'd like to tan. My husband warned me to start S L O W. I say "6 minutes please."

I jog up the stairs to the "bed lounge." I see door #3. That's me!!

I quickly strip down to my birthday suit and then start looking for my red tanning eye glasses that are necessary for tanning. On the wall you see all the horrible diseases you can get if you don't wear protection glasses and also all the warnings of overexposure to tanning lights. Gotta find those glasses!! Got the glasses on, slick back my hair and goo myself with the tanning lotion.

There is a full length mirror in the tanning room. I stand before it looking at myself in my altogether complete with red eye glasses. I look like a naked swimmer at the Olympics. I suck in my gutt and look at myself sideways. Yup, firm swimmer body.... NOT! With all this lotion on I could easily slide into the tanning bed now.

Laying in the bed, I close down the clam top and I try to relax.

Shouldn't the lights be turning on? Did I miss a step?

Can't see through the ultraviolet sunglasses so I start feeling the inside of the bed searching for the ON switch. I don't want to take off the glasses as I don't want to catch one of those horrible eye diseases I just saw on the wall.

I find a button. MUST BE IT. I flip it.

And I lay there.

Shouldn't the lights be on now? I think that is the point of laying in a tanning bed.

Now I'm pissed. I am wasting good bronzing tanning time.

I sit up in the bed and take off the glasses. What did I push? This big red button? OH NO!! It says Emergency Off only.

Well, crap. I have to go back downstairs and tell the girl the bed is OFF.

Back go on the clothes. My tanning lotion is now being sucked up into my clothing.
On goes the shoes. Fluff my hair and down the stairs I go.

I see the clerk behind the registration counter and I say, "The bed isn't working. The lights don't come on."

Hmmmm, she says. Did you push the blue button on the wall?

Well, no I did not!! I didn't tell her I pushed the red button IN the bed.

She informed me the bed would work if I pushed the blue button so back upstairs I go.

Strip down to my Olympic swimming bod, find the glasses, put on the lotion, lay in the bed, push the blue button on the wall, close the clam top and I lay there.

Shouldn't the lights be coming on?????

Nothing. No Heat. No Lights. No golden body.

Crap. Double Crap and a big sh*t.

Out of the bed I go. Put on my clothes although I was tempted just to wrap myself in the towel but I opened the towel and it was the size of a dishtowel. That wouldn't cover my left butt cheek.

Fully clothed, minus shoes, I stomp down the stairs to the clerk behind the desk.

"It's not working. I see the numbers go down on the blue button machine, but no lights."

The clerk said to me "You didn't touch the red button did you?"

Well yes I did!!

"Do NOT touch that red button!!"

Too late. I not only touched it, I flipped it.

Not too pleased with me the clerk leads the way upstairs to Room #3. She points to the red button like I didn't see it and again states firmly "Don't touch this."

Ok, got it.

She leaves, I strip down for the third time. Buck naked and throw on the lotion. Pop on the glasses and lay in the bed.

Push the BLUE button. WALA. I feel the lights bronzing my well toned body.

1 minute, 2 minutes. Ummmm, I'm geting a little HOT and claustrophic.

3 minute, 4. Ok, if this doesn't shut off soon I WILL push that damn red NO NO button!!

5. Sweating and I have the clam top wide open.

6. And then a LOUD click. Lights turn off and I am "cooked." Put a fork in me. I'm done.

I hop out of the bed and look at myself in the full length mirror. I do NOT see a golden goddess. I do NOT see the tanned muscular girl that is on the label of the lotion. I see a flabby woman wearing red eye glasses stark naked.

I put my clothes on, now for the 3rd time in less than 10 minutes and I go down the stairs.

"Thank you for your help." I give her the bottle of lotion. I leave the building as I hear her say, "Come back again Jolene." Will do!!

Later that night my skin starts to itch. Like a sunburn itch. Sure enough my body does have a glow. RED! I am burnt. But it's a good burn that will undoubtedly turn me into the bronzing goddess I desire to be.

I will go back again in a few days. But instead of 6 minutes, maybe I'll go down to 3 and I will NOT touch that red button. Ever.