Tight Squeeze

A friend told me about women's body suits. They are a girdle for your body.

I tried on my mother of the bride dress the other day and it was not pretty. I could zip up the back but it was snug. As a squished bug. One Macarena dance and the dress may split due to the flab pressure.

The word "diet" isn't in my dictionary. Diets are for fat people. I am just a little plump. I blame age. Actually I blame alot of things on age.

Today I had a free afternoon. Why not try on some of these miracle wonder body suits. Off to Younkers I go. I used to think that Younkers was where gray hairs went to shop. Yet here I am amongst them. I tell myself to think young.

I grabbed a beige color full body suit. Need strapless so that was more of a challenge. $52. Fifty Two dollars to make me appear two sizes smaller. Bargain.

This contraption was unbelievably hard to put on. It had a snap crotch like the old body suits of the 60's. I didn't know whether to step into the suit or put it on over my head. Over the head won. The suit is now stuck all bunched up at my neck. But I am determined to get this thing ON. I started pulling the spandex. Got it half ways over my boobs and I lost the lower part of the suit. Where is the crotch snap? I have no clue.

I tug and tug and now the suit is bunched at my waist. I see the cups for the boobs, and pull that up. I'm starting to sweat which does not help with the easy on fit.

You have GOT to be kidding!! It's twisted. I am now getting annoyed. $52 isn't worth all this aggrevation!

Finally got the cups where they were suppose to be but the crotch snaps are caught in the back of the suit. I don't even know how that is possible.

I have GOT TO GET OUT OF THIS THING ... NOW. I'm starting to get a hot flash!

I bend over and try to pull it back over my head. Not happening. Not even moving.

Off go the cups and I have to give it all that I had to pull the cups back to the waist. There it sits.

I stare at the full length mirror with a body suit wrapped around my waist. How am I going to get this OFF?

Thought about getting the salesperson but how? Scream from the dressing room? HELP! I'M BUCK NAKED AND I AM STUCK IN A TOO SMALL BODY SUIT. I don't think so.

Only one option left. Pull the damn suit DOWN over my hips. I don't care if I have to rip the suit to get it down, but this thing is COMING off....NOW.

Suck it in. Pull. Squirm. Pull. Wiggle. Pull. More squirming, more wiggling.

Over the butt, down the upper thighs. Finally the "thing" is around my ankles. It is dead. It tried to devour me, but I fought the battle and conquered the suit.

So much for the body suit idea.

I left the corpse of the body suit in the dressing room and went searching for a different "style."

Found an old fashioned corset. Hey! This might just do the trick.

Back to a different dressing room and off goes my shirt and bra. The back of the corset has about 25 hook and eyes so naturally I have to hook them all in front and then spin the corset around to fit.

I got about 10 hooks done and began to wonder how this is going to spin around? The tag on the corset says "Stays snuggly in place."

Well that's all fine and dandy, but how do you get it on facing the right way? Now I know why Scarlet had Mammie tie her corset. This is a two person job.

I continued hooking the eyes and pulled the corset to spin it to the front. Ain't happening. It is snuggly in place. I look in the full length mirror and I look like the hunch back of Notre Dame as the cups are on my upper back.

Off it goes. On the floor. Dead.

One more time I search the racks and I find a body suit that looks like a track running suit. With little shorts instead of a snapped crotch. GREAT! I can actually step into this and pull it up!

Into dressing room #3. Off go the clothes and I step into this black track outfit. And I pull. The top is moving up but the shorts are still at my ankles. The crotch is at my knees. And the cups are 12 inches shorter than where they should be.

I pull and I twist and I wiggle once again. Got the thing on and I am STUFFED like a Thanksgiving turkey. I can't even move. Everything is tucked in nicely but I cannot sit, I cannot walk. I am an immobile bulging bunch of spandex.

I'm done. That's enough of that. I don't know who these body suits were made for, but it's not me. I struggle to climb out of the track suit and leave another undergarment corpse behind.

Solution: Wear the dress and let the fat rolls be natural but do not dance the Macarena.