Gotta drink!

Why does a woman who is passed her prime, have to see a ob/gyn physician? Because the doctor will find something that will just make you worry about something new.

I have blood in my urine. Not only did I not see red, but I don't even know how that is possible!

My sample showed microscopic blood which prompted my doc to schedule an ultrasound. Ultrasound? Am I pregnant? Maybe that's why I have a round belly!! NO NO NO says the doctor, a renal ultrasound.

Ok. Renal ultrasound. I don't even know what that is!! But I was soon to find out as the test was the next day at 8:15 am. Just enough time to google renal ultrasound and get the skivvy on the exam.

Google said it was a non-evasive imagery of kidneys. I could handle that. I liked the non-evasive.

I was told by the nurse at my doctor's office to make sure I had some liquid in my bladder before I had the test done the next day. "Don't overflow it, just have a little something in it."

She should have defined "a little".

I woke up the next morning after a good night's sleep and went into my bathroom and peed. It's the first thing I do in the morning and old habits are hard to break. As soon as I flushed I thought "CRAP! I need "a little" liquid in my bladder in 30 minutes!!"

So I sipped on a cup of black coffee and got ready for the day. That should be enough liquid, or so I thought.

Got to the exam room and the technician, Lisa, pulled my pants and underwear down and shirt up and there in all its glory was my gutt complete with sunken belly button and all. Lisa squirted some warm goop on my stomach and started rolling the mouse across my stomach. All these images showed up on her machine and she was clicking away with the buttons. I watched the screen and swore I saw 20 black circles on the screen. The tech asked if I ever had kidney stones. I swallowed hard and replied, "No, I don't think so." She chuckled and said, "You would know, they are extremely painful." Oh wonderful. Were kidney stones the black spots I saw on the screen? I envisioned an afternoon of severe pain.

"Roll on your side." She sounded serious.

I rolled on my side. The tech was moving the ultrasound scanner thingy to my back. Are kidneys in your back?

"Your left kidney is hiding on me." What? What? Hiding?

"Oh there it is!"

Thank god. I really wanted two kidneys....

Then the tech says, "I now need to check your bladder. Do you have a full bladder?"

Oh no! Full? What happened to "a little"?

Before I had the chance to ask about "little", the tech says "You have no liquid in your bladder." Well, where did the coffee go? "I will need you to drink something before I can continue."

She took a HUGE styrofoam cup and filled it with water and gave it to me. This had to be a Big Gulp size from Hardee's! I drank it down and she left the room. Only to come back with ANOTHER Big Gulp! You have GOT to be kidding!! My bladder can't hold all this water!

I chugged it down and the tech says "We will just hang out for 15 minutes now....."

How does one get the liquid from your lips to your bladder in 15 minutes? I closed my eyes and pictured the water going through my tubes into the kidneys down to the bladder. Hopeful thinking.

1 minute, 2 minutes, 15 minutes passed and the tech resumed her position.

I don't think she was pleased because she started pushing on my kidney. I think it was my kidney as that is the spot she was just ultrasounding a few minutes ago. Now I know if you push your kidneys, liquid will get into your bladder quicker! It is true, you are never too old to learn.

The tech actually started to yawn. Apparently my body was boring her. I felt offended in some odd way. She pushed a few more times on my kidneys and then something must have happened as she was busy moving the ultrasound thingy around my gutt and clicking on the machine.

She grabbed a towel and wiped my stomach to get rid of the ultrasound goop and declared me "finished."

I asked if she saw anything suspicious. She answered, "Your tests look almost exactly like the one done last year."

I had this test done before? Just last year? Why don't I remember this? And why do I have this urgent sensation that I have to pee?

It's annoying and somewhat exasberating to grow old and lose your short term memory. I had this ultrasound experience last year and I truly do not remember going through it. Obviously I must have had a full bladder back then as I think I would have remembered if I had to suck down two Big Gulps full of water in 30 seconds.

Today I got the phone call from the doctor's office that my ultrasound results came back. I was ready to hear "you have 20 kidney stones." I was prepared. Bring it on. But the nurse said, "Everything looked normal. You are good to go for another year."

My thoughts are if you have two tests done back to back years and the results are negative, you don't need a third strike to know you are out. I think I will accept my two ultrasounds as an indication that my bladder and both my kidneys are just fine.

And I don't plan on ordering a Big Gulp from Hardee's any time soon.

Safari hot

It's Iowa. In summer. For those that live in Iowa, you know of what I speak. Those of you in Arizona or Texas, where you have a "dry" heat, you don't know what hot is. But this is the weather you dream about in mid-January if you live in the snowbelt.

Iowa is the queen of humidity. MN is a close second, but I think Iowa reigns supreme.

It has been 90 degrees on the temperature gauge and 90 percent humidity on the wetness gauge. I have my own humidity index. When it gets overly humid, my natural wavy hair gets O U T T A C O N T R O L. I'm talking about a white woman's afro, sister. Forget the comb, find the hot blue hair pick you bought in 1972. Thankfully you are a pack rat and never throw anything "useful" away.

Sporting a pair of jersey short/shorts and a tshirt I would never wear in public, I am ready to tackle today and the heat.

My job today is to print magnets for a local art store. I turn on the printer and the press. The press is a huge heat press that I have to heat openly to 200 degrees. The press makes a lot of clinking noises as it heats up. It sounds like my late father when he used to make a sucking noise with the side of his mouth. Loud, obnoxious, and for no purpose.

I print out the magnet images and ready to press to the metal magnets. I step in the room with the heat press and realize that the press is sucking all the cool air out of the room and this room is literally smokin' hot!! I could feel my bangs begin to curl. I pressed the magnets and they turned out remarkable! Turn off the heat press and close the room door hoping the heat will stay confined in that one room.

Time to run some errands, so I hop in my jo-mobile aka Toyta and head for Borders. The third in the series of Lizabeth Salander books is out and I am so hooked on this series that I must have the last novel hot off the shelf. I have the windows down and the wind is moving through the car yet it is IOWA SAFARI HOT so I turn on the a.c. Yes, with the windows down. My husband would kill me. But I'm hot and it's just a short trip to the mall.

I get into Borders and realize that I am still dressed in my Daisy Dukes and wife beater shirt. Swell. And now my whole head of hair is curled and wind blown. A complete and utter fashionista, am I.

And I can't find the book I want. I am slithering through the book racks making sure I don't see anybody I know yet trying to find my book, my treasure, my prize.

Honestly, where the hell is this book??? I know it's out as I had the release date circled on my internal calendar.

Ever notice on hot HOT days, the mall is packed? The summer heat gets Iowa sofa sitters to the mall where they sit in the mall sofas basking in the cool air conditioning.

I walk literally every aisle in Borders and still cannot find my book. It is time. I must ask for help. Gulp.

There is the cute skinny girl who must be on college summer break wandering around asking people if they need help. I don't need help from HER. Another employee is a overweight man that is sweating profusely just by walking. Don't need help from HIM either. There. I see her. The elderly woman that reeks LIBRARIAN. I practically mow her down.

"I need help."

"What can I do for you?"

"I am trying to find the new book out on Lizabeth Salander."

"Oh, that's up in the front of the store."

Oh gawd. In the FRONT of the store? Where everyone congregates and chats with other mall shoppers? That in the front of the store?

"Follow me."

I try to glue myself to her behind. She's a little hunched over and moves like a turtle. It had to have taken 10 minutes to walk 50 feet. I follow her closely and keep my gaze down. Must not make eye contact. I am invisible.

"Here is the display of the book you want."

"Thank you..." Now go away.

She instead stands there and proceeds to hold out a book to me and tells me how she too has read all the previous books in the series and blah blah blah. Is her voice getting louder as she gets excited about telling me about the series?? No need to sell me, lady, I am already sold.

People actually start to gather round her.

GIVE ME THE FRICKING BOOK!!

I smile and grab the book out of her hand and return to my aisle hopping to get to the check out. I look at the line at the register and it's 10 deep. Where did these people come from? Go home readers.

Mustering up the courage I stand in line with my short shorts and clinging tshirt with my bra straps showing to buy the book.

This book had better be worth it. I am engulfed in staring at the book in my hand. Make no eye contact.

The check out guy is a yakker. Proceeds to ask me about other books he is promoting. "Have you read......" YES, I HAVE READ EVERY STINKING BOOK AT BORDERS. Just check me out...

Finally got my 40% discount and off I slither to my jo-mobile. Still have the air on with the windows wide open.

Get home and become a sofa sitter. The overhead fan is whirling and ready for take off and the box fan of 20 years is humming.

Yup, it's hot in Iowa. But I have a diet coke in hand and ready to start reading.

Ever notice it's not as hot if you sit perfectly still.

Maybe tomorrow I'll turn on the house a.c. ;-)

Tight Squeeze

A friend told me about women's body suits. They are a girdle for your body.

I tried on my mother of the bride dress the other day and it was not pretty. I could zip up the back but it was snug. As a squished bug. One Macarena dance and the dress may split due to the flab pressure.

The word "diet" isn't in my dictionary. Diets are for fat people. I am just a little plump. I blame age. Actually I blame alot of things on age.

Today I had a free afternoon. Why not try on some of these miracle wonder body suits. Off to Younkers I go. I used to think that Younkers was where gray hairs went to shop. Yet here I am amongst them. I tell myself to think young.

I grabbed a beige color full body suit. Need strapless so that was more of a challenge. $52. Fifty Two dollars to make me appear two sizes smaller. Bargain.

This contraption was unbelievably hard to put on. It had a snap crotch like the old body suits of the 60's. I didn't know whether to step into the suit or put it on over my head. Over the head won. The suit is now stuck all bunched up at my neck. But I am determined to get this thing ON. I started pulling the spandex. Got it half ways over my boobs and I lost the lower part of the suit. Where is the crotch snap? I have no clue.

I tug and tug and now the suit is bunched at my waist. I see the cups for the boobs, and pull that up. I'm starting to sweat which does not help with the easy on fit.

You have GOT to be kidding!! It's twisted. I am now getting annoyed. $52 isn't worth all this aggrevation!

Finally got the cups where they were suppose to be but the crotch snaps are caught in the back of the suit. I don't even know how that is possible.

I have GOT TO GET OUT OF THIS THING ... NOW. I'm starting to get a hot flash!

I bend over and try to pull it back over my head. Not happening. Not even moving.

Off go the cups and I have to give it all that I had to pull the cups back to the waist. There it sits.

I stare at the full length mirror with a body suit wrapped around my waist. How am I going to get this OFF?

Thought about getting the salesperson but how? Scream from the dressing room? HELP! I'M BUCK NAKED AND I AM STUCK IN A TOO SMALL BODY SUIT. I don't think so.

Only one option left. Pull the damn suit DOWN over my hips. I don't care if I have to rip the suit to get it down, but this thing is COMING off....NOW.

Suck it in. Pull. Squirm. Pull. Wiggle. Pull. More squirming, more wiggling.

Over the butt, down the upper thighs. Finally the "thing" is around my ankles. It is dead. It tried to devour me, but I fought the battle and conquered the suit.

So much for the body suit idea.

I left the corpse of the body suit in the dressing room and went searching for a different "style."

Found an old fashioned corset. Hey! This might just do the trick.

Back to a different dressing room and off goes my shirt and bra. The back of the corset has about 25 hook and eyes so naturally I have to hook them all in front and then spin the corset around to fit.

I got about 10 hooks done and began to wonder how this is going to spin around? The tag on the corset says "Stays snuggly in place."

Well that's all fine and dandy, but how do you get it on facing the right way? Now I know why Scarlet had Mammie tie her corset. This is a two person job.

I continued hooking the eyes and pulled the corset to spin it to the front. Ain't happening. It is snuggly in place. I look in the full length mirror and I look like the hunch back of Notre Dame as the cups are on my upper back.

Off it goes. On the floor. Dead.

One more time I search the racks and I find a body suit that looks like a track running suit. With little shorts instead of a snapped crotch. GREAT! I can actually step into this and pull it up!

Into dressing room #3. Off go the clothes and I step into this black track outfit. And I pull. The top is moving up but the shorts are still at my ankles. The crotch is at my knees. And the cups are 12 inches shorter than where they should be.

I pull and I twist and I wiggle once again. Got the thing on and I am STUFFED like a Thanksgiving turkey. I can't even move. Everything is tucked in nicely but I cannot sit, I cannot walk. I am an immobile bulging bunch of spandex.

I'm done. That's enough of that. I don't know who these body suits were made for, but it's not me. I struggle to climb out of the track suit and leave another undergarment corpse behind.

Solution: Wear the dress and let the fat rolls be natural but do not dance the Macarena.

Home Remedies

I dyed my hair. And instead of it coming out "light golden brown" it came out "DARK AS MOLASSES."

Standing in front of the aisle of hair color in the store, I chose my color carefully. I studied all the boxes practically one by one. Many boxes bragged on "no brassy tones." Some even said 100% gray coverage. But I always look at the girls on the front of the boxes. Which one of these girls has the color I want. Should be that simple.

"Light golden brown...100% gray coverage.... nice and easy." That's for me!

Who has time for hair testing like the box recommends? Get on the gloves, prepare the mixture, slop on hair. Wait.

Hop in the shower, rinse. Towel dry and WALA. Magically appear Light Golden Brown.

Nope. I have Hot Fudge Chocolate. On my head.

So what does one do? Go to the internet where all questions have answers. I type in "How to lighten hair dyed too dark."

And there are the answers!

#1. Wash hair with Dawn dishwashing liquid. Can you believe that I actually HAVE Dawn under my sink? Back in the shower and I'm lathering with Dawn. I should have brought in a few dirty glasses and I could have been multi-tasking. I lather in the Dawn and leave it in a little longer thinking this would lighten my hair even more.
Out of the shower, towel off and WALA. Hot Fudge Chocolate.

#2. Make a paste with Olive Oil and Mayonnaise. Just use a few drops of Mayonnaise and leave on 20 minutes. First off, does Mayonnaise come in drop form? Or do I drop it like dropping cookie dough on the cookie tray? But I have both of these ingredients in my pantry. Make a paste. First attempt I used too much oil and the mayonnaise didn't gel with the oil. Toss. Second attempt, used less oil and a "drop" or two of Hellmann's. Back in the shower and slop on the paste. Towel off and let the paste do it's magic. Shouldn't I see the color lifting? Maybe it will come off when I wash this gook outta my hair. Patiently wait 20 minutes, BACK in the shower and wash off. Towel off (I am now on my third towel) and WALA. Hot Fudge Chocolate.

#3. Use Lemon Juice. But I also read this should be used on blonde hair and if you have brunette hair, it MIGHT turn your hair orange. Orange with hot fudge? Visions of orange tootsie pop jumped in my brain. I don't think so. Plus I remember doing this when I was in high school when it was fashionable to sit in the sun and let the lemon juice highlight your hair naturally. It didn't work then either.

#4. Tide detergent. Yup, wash your hair with Tide. Reminds me of my dad's joke... why do people wash their clothes intide? Cause it's too cold outtide. But I don't have Tide detergent. Tide isn't good for septic tanks. I don't think it would be too good for my hair.

So there you have it. I have Hot Fudge Chocolate Hair that smells like Dawn with a touch of mayonnaise. And I can't remember the last time I took 4 showers in one afternoon.

Plus side tho is the rest of my body has a clean soft feeling from the Olive Oil. Hair's a little damaged tho...

Is it wrong

Is it wrong to bump into a former co-worker and hear about how horrible the working conditions remain, and smile?

This morning I was delivering mail to a physician during my hospital hours and heard a voice behind me. "Hi there stranger." I turn around and see a man I used to work with. It was so great to see him! He was one of the "good guys." Treated me nice, always had something positive to say to me. We used to talk about American Idol together. I miss that.

I hadn't seen him for about a year. I asked him how things were going at the former company. Apparently things hadn't changed. At all. Or maybe they had changed but it wasn't for the better. It's funny how some things just don't change.

And all the way this man was talking, I was smiling. Knowing that I wasn't there anymore. No longer subjected to the low staff morale which is very depressing. No longer working in a environment that was not nuturing or inviting. I had broken away. It was a tough decision back then and part of me had felt like a failure. But I knew I had to break away before I was broken myself.

Today, I was dressed in lovely black skirt and white blouse with my click click heels on. I looked and felt professional. "Tell everyone I am doing great" I said. My former co-worker said, "And you look great."

I know it was wrong but I couldn't help it. I had escaped a poorly managed company and I didn't feel one bit of regret or sadness when I saw my former co-worker. I actually felt good about myself. I walked back to the administrative offices with my chin up and with a big smile.

This chance meeting was closure for me. I have moved on. To better places with wonderful co-workers and managers. Plus my boss told me earlier this morning that I "amazed" him. Today I feel truly blessed.

A shoe

I went to Mpls this past weekend to get out of town for a few days. I was in a hurry to get on the road and I packed very quickly. Packing can be done in 10 minutes if need be. I threw on a pair of capris and some flip flops and started my road trip.

There is just something about driving that I enjoy. Maybe it's a control thing that I like mastering the automobile. Maybe it's just leaving all the troubles behind and looking forward to a new adventure. Or maybe it's just singing on the top of my lungs to Adam Lambert and nobody is there to complain.

The weather is always a little cooler in MN than Iowa. That 5 hours does make a 10 degree difference. I'm glad I packed some socks and tennies, and long pants, which I wore the next day.

I had a nice visit with my mother and sister. We went non-stop. I love to spend my sister's money and she was looking for a table for her living room. No bargain shopping for her! We went to thee nicest furniture stores in the suburbs. The kind where the salespeople look you over before asking if you need help.

We must have walked for miles when my left shoe started to rub. I looked down at my tennies and was aghast! I had on two different tennis shoes!! How could this be? Wasn't I the one that actually put on these shoes myself this morning? How could I not see that they were different!! And I'm not talking about a subtle difference. One was pure white and the other was white with navy accents!!

I stood there. In the fancy furniture store. In Minneapolis staring at my shoes. I looked at my sister and mother and just pointed down.

Ya gotta love family. My sister says, "Well, isn't THAT attractive!" My mother proceeds to tell me the time SHE wore different shoes to church...... Apparently, the apple didn't fall far from the tree. I am still staring at my shoes. Embarrassed to be me.

I had no other shoes except my flip flops which were miles away in my suitcase. I was stuck with unmatched shoes for the rest of the day. And of course, now that I knew my shoes were not matching, I felt I had a funny gait to my walk. And that everyone was snickering behind my back saying "Did you see that old lady? Do you think she doesn't know she has on two different shoes?"

But then I decided I was a fashionista! I was making a fashion statement. Anyone can wear matching shoes! But to be so confident, so novel, so inventive as to wear two different tennies was just, well, down right daring!!

So to all of you that have worn unmatched socks, unmatched gloves, unmatched earrings, I join you proudly. We are the ones that set the curve. As my father used to say, "People are going to talk about you. At least give them something to talk about!!"

Sniff

ED stands for Emergency Department
ER stands for Emergency Room
DR stands for Physician.
And I needed them all! STAT!

When you get a head cold you know the symptoms. First the sneezing. You are going along in life and BAM "sneeze". You think to yourself "Where did that come from?" And then another "sneeze." Somehow I can never sneeze just one sneeze. Mine always come in twos.

Then you get the dreaded drips. This is when your nose becomes a faucet. You are blowing your nose every 24 seconds. Right when you think all the liquid is out of your nostrils, you feel another drip coming. Soon you are just holding a tissue under your nose knowing that the drips will not stop. But you get tired of holding the tissue so this is when you get creative. You find a tissue corner, twist it just so and shove that twisted section up your nose. And you walk around with the rest of the tissue just hanging from your nose. I think someone should invent the nostril tampon. This would be used during the "drip" portion of the head cold. And it can come in several sizes, thin, normal or super absorbant. All depending on the size of your nose and the severity of the drip.

After the "drips" comes the "clog." You cannot breathe at all through your nose. I figure by this stage you have blown everything out of nose and there is nothing left. Like the dry heaves. This stage is when you actually put drips BACK in your nose by the use of a nose spray. I always, never fails, squirt that nose spray before it is in my nostril and it gets in my eyes. And then there are times when you only have one or two good sprays left and you test it to see if there is anything left in the bottle. That's a waste of a good spray. I have been known, in desperate times, to lean my head back and pray there is SOMETHING, ANYTHING left in the bottle for just one more spray. And the bottle says not to use more than 1 time every 4 hours. Forget that. I am spraying 4 times every hour!! I gotta breathe!

Usually at this point in a head cold you are on the mend. Gotta rough it out for another day or two but soon you will be breathing on your own. You no longer have to sleep on your left side for your left nostril to open up.

But there is a chance your headache may have just been a warning that something even darker was looming in your head. A sinus infection.

Anyone that has experienced a sinus infection knows what I mean when I say, "They are pure evil!" Eveything in your face hurts. And you blow crap out of your nose that God never intended you to see. And that crap actually weighs something. You can feel it fill up your tissue. How gross.

It was at this point where I did the foolish. I ODed on my cold tablets, cough syrup, migraine medication. I couldn't remember what I took, when I took it last or how much I took. So I just retook it all. All I wanted to do was breathe and not have my head pound.

So now add nauseau to the recipe. I couldn't lift my head off the pillow cause I was so dizzy, the wet wash cloth by now which was laying on my forehead was warm. I was surrounded by used tissue which I quickly ran out of and now was using a roll of toilet paper.

I knew I was in deep yogurt and out of my own comfort zone. Pat took me to the ER and I flopped on an examining room and didn't move. My head was pounding, my nose was peeling where it was just too sore to even blow anymore. I hadn't combed my hair in 2 days and my toothbrush hadn't been touched in the same number of days. I just layed there.

My ER doctor was Dr. Perea and he is now my favorite hero. He had a "trainee" PA with him so I was getting double treatment. My ears were plugged too and I couldn't hear a thing. I have no idea what the doctor was asking me. And I didn't care. I just said, "My head hurts. Please make it go away."

After an hour of IV fluids and whatever else was in the IV, I was starting to feel better. Pat had found the tv remote so he was happy clicking the different channels in the room.

Three hours later I was released from the ER. I was a little dizzy yet from the migraine but I was hungry. That's always a good sign.

I have narcotics now for the headache pain, amoxicillin for the sinus infection/bronchitis and on my second roll of toilet paper. I still need to hold a pillow against my chest when I cough, but I'm not coughing as much.

"A summer cold is a different animal." That was the slogan of a cold medication back in the 60's. And how very true it is.